Quarter-Life Crisis

lauren, ellen, and me at the washington monument

A couple weekends ago, I went to DC to visit my friend Lauren, who is a grad student at George Washington University. Our mutual friend Ellen came up from Philadelphia, who is a grad student at the University of Pennsylvania. The three of us had a great weekend full of sightseeing to the max, good eats, and lots of fun! Socially, I had such a good time. If I were a Sim, my fun meter would have been recharged to bright green. However, I might have lost a bar or two on my smarts meter. It's not because I'm actually getting stupider but because everyone around me is getting smarter!

So grad school. Do I really want to go? I fear that I may want to go just because everyone else is doing it. Do I really want to be a lemming? I might jump off a cliff anyway after I see how much I owe after I graduate. What would I study? Asian-American Studies? Psychology? Social Work? I just don't know. And not knowing pretty much scares me into not pursuing it so I guess this option is on pause. Great.

What about the bank? It's a great company and I think they treat their employees really well. However, is this really what I want? Do I want this to be my career? Do I really CARE about banking? Is this my passion? The truth is no. It's not. BUT, I could potentially make the kind of money I want to make if I stay with the bank. I've already put my time in at the bottom of the totem pole. It would be nice to see this year and a half of making next to nothing finally pay off.

And then there's leaving LA altogether. Last year was pretty traumatic for me and this place reeks of the memories of that life. Even though I have been doing so much better, I can be triggered very easily and the pain that still lingers over what happened surfaces and it can be really hard. If I leave, the pain will still exist, but it won't surface as easily and I think that would be really great for my healing. But where would I go? Seattle? Oakland? The East Coast? I don't know.

Basically, I'm paralyzed by the endless possibilities that are before me. For the first time in my life, I am completely, 100% focused on me. I can do and be anything I want. I just wish I knew what that was. I hate you quarter-life crisis!